Her tears InSpiRe me

lisa seeing me right after surgery

It's 2:43am and I'm still awake. My body still unrelenting with night sweats and hot flashes not letting me sleep. It's been quite a week; surgery to remove my ovaries/tubes and all of the increased menopausal sypmtom's to follow such a surgery. This picture above is of my twin seeing me right after my surgery. This never-ending journey on the edges of life and death have had such a toll on her. These are the times that I am ever reminded of that.

Though this surgery has come rather suddenly, the decision process to have them removed (to help 'possibly' decrease the cancer in returning) has been a long agonizing journey. A decision to willingly give up a chance to bear my own children. So it has been with us all(dozens upon dozens of my survivor friends); the appointments, second opinions, and endless research into the lastest studies being currently conducted to see how to extend the lives of those battling cancer itself or a body that is already predisposed to it.

So this year, I have decided to walk again and raise $2,500 dollars to be a part of the answer in the race against time in so many people lives, and the lives of their caregivers, to beat the very thing before it kills them.

Lisa's face reminded me again of the pain that not only I endure, but of what she has endured through the years past and years to come; the thought that she could lose her twin sister to this disease. My initial surgery proved successful...now we wait on the pathology report being conducted on my ovaries. Will they find cancer? We will wait to hear this coming week. Until then...we live life....as if this week will be our last.

For this reason, of MANY, I walk. Will you help me in helping people like my sister not have to see their loved one in positions like mine...forever anticipating another cancer diagnosis? A dollar, a dime, a hundred...all significant donations in the battle we are in.

Depending on my health, I may or maynot be able to walk during the actual event September 9-11th, 2011 in San Francisco. But so far, I am COUNTING on walking and being a part of raising millions in saving lives through research (I know many that have benefited from it!), prevention and treatment.

Punch line: Please support me as I take an amazing journey in the fight to end breast cancer! The Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure® is a 60-mile walk over the course of three days. Net proceeds from the 3-Day for the Cure are invested in breast cancer research and community programs.

Any contribution towards $2,500 makes a difference in someone life. It did in mine 3 years ago.

ReAsOns to wAlK....

All of thier names are far too many to print here. A few: Lisa, Tracy, Courtney, Sally, Danielle, Erin, ....so so many. All currently battling the 'beast' or have passed away. ALL YOUNG; sisters, daughters and mom's of young kids. Some with famlies, some just engaged and some still in college. All never, like me, expecting to receive such a diagnosis that changed us forever. Several I know are actively participating in 'clinical trails' with drugs not YET released to the general public. If they can participate....I can to. Whether through being involved or through finances to help push these trails through to the FDA. I want to be a part of the answer. Please consider a small donation towards 2,500....any amount....towards being a part of that answer too.

Thank you for your part in me being here today :).

UPDATE: My ovaries made a STELLAR EXIT. My pathology JUST report came back negative for metastasis to my ovaries or ovarian cancer!! I am so grateful for these results though am vary aware of friends of mine whose results were not so positive.

If you would like to donate, you can go to this site; www.the3day.com and click the 'DONATE' button!


A You Tube of our first walk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UOsxRnjw61c

An Ever-Widening Circle...

I find it strange that today’s writing and rambling have been initiated by a timer, a createive writing exercise with a friend and a latte including a few free flowing thoughts as hands poised precariously over keys on my computer. It has been too long for my liking since I spent time in the space. The space which allows all of who I’ve become to mingle with the me that I am yet to become. Where what I have experienced and what will become my furture, meet. Where those who I’ve been shaped by to who will be added to that ever-widening circle of friends. I find it hard to come in and out of this space quickly and only desire to engage when I have ample time. Ample time to sit, to let my mind wander down that lane full peaks and mountains of joy which could never be fully captured here. A place and people I miss terribly. And full of valley’s so low it make me hesitate to even enter this space at all. And in that, maybe there lies a lesson. Life is like that; before the cold snap is over, the spring flowers begin to bloom. One season slows to a end, yet before it is finished another season starts. So with my face still wet and warm with tears, I face a new season with all the hope and myriad of mixed feelings that new seasons naturally bring. The old me is standing at the shore, stretching onto her toes and waving me off into the distance wondering if she’ll return. Therein lies another question. But for now, I am standing in a boat floating into new scenery. Knowing where I’ve been, but not all too sure of where I'm going.

I sit down and row with a heavy heart yet with strong arms and spirit…knowing that this is the path God has chosen for me now. There are great things ahead…even better than before?! Can that be?

Next stop for now: a week of scans. And to stack my books onto my new bookshelf in the corner, next to my desk near the light switch on the wall. Yes, I've definitely moved to a different world since my last post. But then again...a lot more than that has changed and is different. A lot. Yet I find myself in the midst of an ever-widening circle of friends. That is one thing that I am so VERY grateful for.

some people that i've been especially blessed by in that circle of friends:

about a girl

housemates; me, s, h, k, s and cheryl.

The house was dark as I gathered my things together to leave Afghanistan. My visit had come to a close and in a way that no one could have ever imagined. Cheryl would have arrived back home while I was there, instead the day before we received news that she was found murdered along with the rest of her team as they had trekked out of a remote region in Afghanistan providing medical care. In the general region that I, myself, had hiked in 7 years before. How could this be? How could the villagers let this happen? How could God let this happen to her, to any of them? So many questions flooded my mind as I tried, along with her other housemates, to grapple with this news. The answers would not come easily. Only one thing would...tears.

As the first few days passed the evidence only confirmed our, let alone her family's, worst fears. So many tears. Shock. No words. Sleepless night. And it begins again. As I slowly packed my suitcase with the few remaining things that I had left here in Kabul from the time of my cancer diagnosis, memories of our times together as the 'chic chalet' flooded my mind, spilling smiles and tears with each memory. The infamous 'hall of chadars (veils)' that strewn the entry way welcomed many a guest of us all. Times together where we would gather in the kitchen, songs blaring, and all cook together. Laughter that was like medicine to our souls preceded others soon joining us to share in our simple feast. Games of volleyball when this hard land seemingly disappeared beneath our feet as we made another ace for our team. And then there were the quiet times between us all. Times to share and lift one another up in prayer. I had only 'lived' in this house for about 9 months, but those 9 months were like a cool suave to my tired soul. I was so exhausted in every way and these girls were like a gift from God to me; encouraging, inspiring, exhorting, and just plain fun to be around.


Then there was Cheryl. A quiet yet deep thinker with a love for God that was evident to all who knew her. She was my housemate. Her smile, her laugh and her manner are etched in my mind. A smile that welcomed and warmed my heart and a personality that could make most laugh. We both shared a love of worship along with several in the house. I loved to sit and listen to her worship God, playing her guitar across the hall. I would often sit in my doorframe, close my eyes and just enjoy the moments listening to her while being reminded one again of God's grace, love and presence in this place that often seemed so harsh to live in. She was a constant reminder to me of finding strength in faith, in her walk with the Lord. And I greeted that reminder every morning across from my room....gladly. I deeply respected her and her quiet, humble walk with her Lord. I also admired her love of the Afghans she served and worked with. I had spent many years filling my days with times spent with Afghans, as had Cheryl. I knew all too well the kind of all encompassing energy that that called for. She continually gave of herself from a well of strength not from herself. She was a walking reminder to me to not lean into my own strength, but His...daily.

Walking into her room over the last couple days, I still could not believe the reality of the horrific events that led to her sudden death. But as I sat on her bed and prayed and remembered her in this place, my gaze landed on a quote on an old piece of paper tucked into the corner of her mirror. A quote, that quite possibly she saw and recited in her mind almost every morning as she got ready for her day and all the unseen events that would fill it. And in reading it...God brought an element of His peace into my heart. The morning of her death, the day she would meet her Father in Heaven....did she recite these words? I want to believe she did.

O God...
Fortify me
For the unexpected
And the unexplained.
Amid the things that change
Keep clear and dear
To me
The things that remain.
Give me faith
To face the future
Unafraid
In the knowledge
That nothing can separate me
From Your love.
-John M. Dreshcer

Somehow, for however long, He was preparing her for the horrific events that would bring her to meet her Saviour. So even in this horrible event, He was with her. And somewhere down the road, we'll see something beautiful that will come out of her death. This I am sure of.

Cheryl, your work is done. You are with the Father, walking on those beautiful green pastures....besides quiet waters. We will carry on His work and walk with Him here till we see Him and you, face to face. I look forward to that day greatly.

Goodbye Cheryl. I'll miss you.

one very long hug

it has been 2 very long years since i saw her. we've talked on the phone, emailed each other and even found each other on facebook. but none would equal being able to see her face to face. none of it.

so when my driver came to pick me up for the trip to the old and conservative side of town that she now lived in with her husband....i could hardly wait to arrive. the drive up the side of a mountain and down into what appeared to be a village seemed to go on forever. as we got closer, i could tell we were no longer on the 'freer' side of the city. women outside seemed much more scarce and those out were hidden more fully behind veils that seemed to consume their small slight figures.

we finally arrived in front of what appeared to be a narrow covered ally. in the dark of that tunnel...i could see light pouring in from open yard. and in front of this door, was my best local friend. even though i had never been to her new home, or met her new family, it felt like i had come home. come home all the way back to where i belonged for many years gone by. before we even could barely exchange the traditional greetings, she embraced me with a hug so big that seemed to make up for all the years we were separated. for every moment that she wanted to comfort me in the journey that i was on....and through every challenge i wanted to be there for her over these past 2 years.

we had missed each other so much that that one long lasting hug could have lasted for forever.

it was after our forever hug, that i noticed that she was quite pregnant, actually about to deliver! though, culturally, afghans do not speak of pregnancy or the child to come until the child has 'been found', as they say. as she led me past her garden green patch with sunflowers reaching almost a story high, she began to tell me about her new family. her husbands side of the family was represented by an aunt who graciously invited me in and soon became part of our conversation. after an hour of speaking in dari, our conversation soon turned to english and expanded to topics that her own language couldn't quite grasp nor did i have the extensive vocabulary for. it was then that some of our deepest sorrows and greatest fears were shared. for her and her newly forming family for a country which continually seems to be at war; for myself for all that had transpired in the last 2 years and what that meant for my future.

and then of course, when would we see each other again.

it was then that both of us stared headlong into the 'dark ally' of our friendship. we both knew that we could no longer depend on the 'next' time we would see each other. we knew that today, now we had to celebrate what we have....and trust that if God would have it, we would see each other again. hopefully soon. she still had yet to mother her child and i had yet to see her in that new phase of her life. so much life, for both of us individually and to experience as friends together.

if only she could really know what these moments meant to me. i suspect she knows and feels the very same way.

the beauty of this place...

After arriving here and remembering all that I have experienced and seen in this place...I often find myself at a lack for what to say, of how to accurately describe what I see. A friend of mine, who also worked here when I was here, wrote about this place. So, thanks to "J"....enjoy the picture of here :).


I gave up taking pictures here a long time ago... pictures don't seem to capture the beauty of the moment completely.

So how do i describe the beauty of ktown?

There's the people, the culture,
and the unique characteristics of a city,
with one foot in the past and one foot in the future,
struggling to define itself in the midst of a war.
But no matter the ugliness that war can bring to a city,
there is still beauty.
And i think the beauty shines more brightly because of the ashes that surround it.

For me the beauty is the brightest at night, when i'm standing on my roof top...

Picture mountains that, not only separate the city in half, but also surround the city, with another mountain range rising up behind them, and snow capped mountaintops further off in the distance.

It's night time, and the dark sky is illuminated by a full moon rising between two of the mountain peaks.

Along the sides of the mountains that separate the city are thousands of lights from homes built into the mountain.
Lights that, like christmas tree lights, slowly wind their way up the side of the mountain, trying to get as close to the top of the mountain as possible.

And from the roof top there is a stillness to the city, broken only by the call to prayer.

it's a beautiful thing.

and it's in these moments, standing on the roof top,
finding myself captivated by the lights of a city still fighting for peace,
that hope rises up within me,
HOPE,
that someday, soon,
this land will become all that it was created to be.

the chasing process

this week something that i have been chasing in my heart, i found.

i was able to spend the last 10 days with those i have worked with in A land. since i left in late 2007 when i was diagnosed with cancer, i have never felt settled about not being able to go back to live there. it has felt so unfair to be told that i had to leave, so fast, and then to never get to return full time there. i have 'tried' to be happy with the current moment...a chance at life again. and for the most part...it has worked. God has given me that peace and grace beyond my understanding. but there has been a slice of my heart that continued to live there; in the room where my brown curtains swayed in the dusty kabul air as i would fall asleep listening to the sound of kids playing soccer on my street, where late late evenings found me in local friends humble homes to enjoy tea, their best food, and some games with their kids...and on some nights, heart to heart conversations underneath the stars. so many pictures come to mind representing 'books' of people that i got to know. that i got to love, and that He got to love through me. indescribable.

so this past week, i was able somehow to say 'goodbye' to that season, to those people that i worked with, and to that place. even though i will still work with those local people here in this new country, i was so grateful to say goodbye to a place and people that have lived on in my heart behind a shadowy veil of grief.

there were many great times shared this week. but somewhere between the beginning meeting, where i fell into a pile of tears, and the last day where we all said 'see yah later'...something happened. the thing that i was longing for and chasing in my heart for 2 1/2 years....i caught up with and let go of. my heart feels lighter and i feel like i am fully facing forward. not that i won't think back and continue in relationship with locals and expats alike...but they are now considered a gift, instead of something that was yanked from my hands.

now i look forward to learning a language that will give me better chances of taking the right bus and not getting lost :) among other important things. haha. so this month, i hope to get to know a local girl who is quite talented in giving lessons in turkish...until i can start an official course in september.

...and hopefully, july/august will find me visiting A land again for several weeks. this time to meet up with some locals that i've longed to see and are waiting for my arrival.

here's to new seasons and all the amazing things that they hold for us each...even when they are hard to accept at times.

Happy for Water issues

I moved into my own little place on the top of a big hill, yesterday the 7th. Apartment #7, the "Smiling face" building. I was pretty 'smiley faced' to be able to move in...even with no gas hook up, no way to wash things (ok, except hand wash), no hot water...and wondering what this new place would bring me. So, heading into the night...I climbed into bed, said some prayers, and drifted off to sleep.

I awoke quite early to what seems to be a theme this week....WATER, seeping in through my windows. It was pouring outside. At times, looking like sheets plummeting towards Earth from Heaven. Something woke me up (um, GOD!?) and soon I was up at the window standing in a puddle of water. It was early in the morning, so instead of waking my landlord up, I thought that I would 'take care of it' and try to mop up the water until it was a bit later (like after 8am). 2 hours and several huge drenched towels later...I called someone to help contact my landlord.

In the meantime, while I was waiting for a response from my Turkish friend, with a respite in the rain....I headed down to the center of my area to change some money. Little did I know (until later) that the news had cancelled all schools for today and had predicted floods throughout the city. So, we encountered actual rivers running down the streets. It was quite comical watching people try to cross the streets and deal with the IMMENSE amount of water running down the hills. Some people got pretty creative wrapping plastic bags over their feet and wading through the up to 2 feet of water in the streets.
yup, that's water coming out of the manholes in both pictures. the drainage systems just couldn't handle the amount of water flowing from the hills.
Our taxi driver, upon my friend getting back into the car drenched from her quick outing to the bank, quizzically asked with a smile....'Is it raining out there?'. We all instantly started laughing. A connection, through a mini trail.

When we returned to my place, my landlord was already here waiting for the 'usta' (professional) to take a look at my window water issue. Within 20 minutes they had assessed the situation, the professional taking his own view (of where the water came from) while my landlord taking my observations of what happened (since I saw it!). Wow, a man standing behind my word in cultures like these, is significant. So far, my landlord is stacking up some points! He also seems very much like a man of honor and respect. I wonder what plans God has for him...and what I am to learn from this family. I have asked God for a family covering in this place (specifically since I'm a single woman). Who knows, maybe this family could be an answer to that prayer. Only time will tell.

So after a week of water occurrences; new washing machine flooding my apartment, along with the above happenings...I'm ready for some dry weather days. But I am grateful for the people that God has brought my way through these recent events and how they have warmed my heart for the people of this place. Ironic, isn't it?! That's how life is...I guess. Looking forward, we are often overwhelmed. Looking back, we are often blessed beyond what we could have expected.

p.s. come back soon for more posting on my place!

out and about

today, i ventured out into the city alone. i had several goals; to visit an area that i hopefully will be renting an apartment, to purchase something called an okbil that lets me get on and off transportation easily, and to find something to eat somewhere.

well, all 3 were accomplished. pretty good day, huh?!

i walked down to the bus stop (many of MILLIONS in the city!), jumped on the 9UD bus that headed for the ferry and got off in an area that i was vaguely familiar with from times gone by visiting a good friend of mine while she lived here. i was able to recognise the ba jillion steps up to her apartment and pushed the red button on the bus to signal to the driver that someone wanted to get off. once i got off,...i headed up, and up, and up. after about 100 + steps i reached the top, and smiled realizing that i had remembered where she lived. love that! good job brain (even after chemo!) !

i walked around the area remembering good times gone by and then headed for a park nearby that had a beautiful view of the bosporus where i could grab a drink, a bite to eat, and pray. it was a little garden-side tea house filled with parents and kids, boyfriends and girlfriends, all sitting down for afternoon cups of tea and conversation. and pray i did....also for a place of peace for myself in that neighborhood, hopefully!, as i would be looking for a place to live in these next coming weeks.

then at 5...the mosques started their calls to prayer and i knew that it was time to head for home as it would take me about an hour to find my way back to a bus and than back up to where i am staying. i did get turned around on my way home but ran across a taxi driver that was more than kind, who offered me a free ride!, as i 'motioned' waves (HA!) to symbolize ('where is the ferry?') where the bus stops were.

i found my way back to my place i am staying out...and met a sweet turkish school girl on the way. we couldn't say anything except goodbye to each other...but our smiles seemed to bridge the gap of our absent words.

here are some splices of beauty from today...

Living my Story...from hospitals to turkish cafe's

(last week before surgery, think I was a bit loopy at this point! p.s. biopsy was clear for cancer!)

May 2010. Destination: Turkey. Finally. Honestly, part of me thought that I might never make it here; back overseas. I can't tell you how many times I thought I would again hear those words, 'You have cancer', through the countless scans, appts., surgeries and procedures I've been through. And that that time would most likely lead to my death. That thought often paralyzed me in thinking about the future. I couldn't see my current reality as being able to fit into what I knew of life over here and couldn't see this ministry anywhere BUT here. I could not have expected the unfolding of the events of the last 2 1/2 years let alone the last couple of weeks. It all still seems surreal to me. Still. But through it all, I’ve been learning to embrace the journey more, the destination less. And I have discovered that God never fails to usher some of His amazing love into my life through others as they literally reach out to embrace me through the trails; letting this giver...learn to receive. And over these past years, I have seen my empty 'cup' fill to overflowing (Heaven’s cheering!). Through eons of sleep that was deprived over a decade of service, words of Life spoken over and to me, to endless hugs.
So...here I am in Turkey. For years or months. Only He knows for sure. But while I'm here or anywhere for that matter, I know that He will be faithful to use every part of my story to bring more into understanding and experiencing His love. Just like I did and continue to though it. A shout out and thanks Christina, Jo Dee, Tammy and Dave, Ruth and Doug...Tara, Jen, Laura Lee, and Jade...to name some. Thanks for taking the time in life to encourage a fellow traveler, give her lots of hugs, and making pizza for her in the process....! :). Thanks for just being there and offering who you are....it's made all the difference in my life.

2 years of life

2+ years have gone by and the time has arrived that I get to go back overseas!! whaa hooo! As I've prepared to return these last several weeks, my mind has thought back often to this life, and relationships, I've been granted in Chico. So many stories behind each frame. So many laughs. Tears. And so much love from a community I didn't even know before I arrived.

Here's to the many that openly offered so much support, love, laughs, and a glass of wine over an incredible journey these past years.

And mostly...here's to you lisa. I wouldn't trade anything for these last 2 years of being able to spend time with you. Not even cancer. Love you OH so much.

Back Again! Where in the world are you going!?

I've returned back to Chico. It's been quite the journey the last couple of months. Starting in a doctors office in December 2009 wondering if I'd ever make it back overseas....and ending up in Turkey engaging once again with Afghans! The last months have been filled with lots of tears of joy for dreams re-realized and tears of sadness for not being able to return to Afghanistan to live for now. But I am EVER grateful for being given this beautifully small opportunity to reach them even far away from their own country...where we are both foreigners.

So here's to the future...and all that it has to bring and teach us! Here's the lastest news!

(click on the photo's above to enlarge them so you can read them if you like!)

so what's next?? : after raising a few thousands of dollars (with some great help) and having a scan (in May)....I'll be headed back to Turkey!!

old friends....new places

yes, this was the theme of last weeks visit to a town north of where i am now in istanbul. it was so wonderful to meet up with friends that i have known for over 10 years and catch up together on all that has happened in our lives. through stories, laughter, and tears...we shared story after story of God's goodness in the midst of life that can be so difficult and wonderful all in one.

let me take you on a journey of my visit. these are some of the streets we walked together in their city. loved the quaintness of this place...reminded me of an asian-chico :).

this area is known for their statues, which of course i didn't get a picture of!, and also of their mosques. this place is the ancient capital of turkey.

some of my favorite times spent with these families were with their kids. i knew each of these couples before the married, and definitely before they had 5 little ones running around. it was fun to dance, play, sing, and read stories to them as they fell (or tried too!) asleep.

the last afternoon, one of the mom's and i went out into the downtown area of the city. we hunted for the perfect tea shop and there had some tasty pastries and conversation. tears fell as we shared about these past years and about life gone by. i loved being able to 'see' where they call home and the streets they walk frequently. they are reminders to me that though friendships may span the whole wide world...i think that for them, i am all the richer.

thanks B and D, J and A (plus little ones)....i had a fabulous time with you :).

an outing in istanbul...in real life

oh....while she got her visa, i made some more afghan friends!! just love these divine appointments!

little provisions

february 2nd, 2010.

last night i fell asleep choosing to anticipate good things to come instead of being overwhelmed by my financial situation because of being a cancer patient. wow, here's to health reform!! it was the first time i've ever wondered if God could provide, for me personally...at least financially.

so, it wasn't that much of a surprise that 'provision' seemed to be the theme of today. this morning started early, ok...earlier than normal :), setting out with a fellow afghan co worker from afghanistan as she traveled across the city to retrieve her visa. the day started out cold and a bit rainy. by the time we got to the bus stop and waited for it to arrive, i was soaked from my knees down. but at least i wasn't hot, as my 'personal summers', also known as hot flashes, hang around more than they are absent these days. so my feet were freezing...but the rest of me was glad for the break from the naturally warm apartments.

we boarded bus 129T headed to the european side of istanbul to the afghan consulate. after a LONG 45 minutes later on a VERY crowded bus while we stood smashed up people to people....we arrived grateful to step out into the rain again. from there it was several city blocks down to the consulate. after some questioning....we found it and headed up to the 4th floor. walking in, our eyes were greeted by a roomful of afghans staring back at us. although it's 'normal' for men and women to socialize/talk in the same room here, i'm still not so used to that and decided to veer to another room quickly as my friend asked about her visa (that was supposed to be *not-so* ready). they led us back to the counselor who talked with us about my friends visa situation. in the midst of the details, we enjoyed finding out about his family and talking about afghanistan.
2 cups of green tea later, we had made friends with several afghans that worked within the consulate as well as girl who helped serve tea there. we left with promises of teas and lunches to be enjoyed together in the future. on our way to the bus stop, i spotted STAR BUCKS!!! to help out with the ravid hot flashes, i decided to buy some decaf coffee and stay away from any caffeine. once paying, i asked if i could have 2 cups of coffee from the bag of coffee i just bought :). hehe. they said, of course...which didn't seem so normal here.
SO...there you go. provisions: 1. more relationships with afghans. 2. 2 free cups of coffee :). 3. visa details worked out at the office while we enjoyed afghan green tea and conversation instead of having to come back on another (snowy/wet) day. He provides, in big and small ways. so here's to believing for what seems like a billion dollars to me....but nothing to Him!

it was nearing 5 pm and we had yet to make the journey back to the other side of the city...and by this time, there seemed to be hurricane like winds blowing sleet and rain. by the time we arrived on our side of town it was snowing. and within an hour of arriving home, looking our our window, the city was draped in white once again as the wind and snow continued to blow and settle outside while we sat down to a warm meal made by our turkish housemate!

yet another unexpected great day in turkey. :)

Thank You Lord

january 31st. 2010.

It has been a week since I arrived and what has unfolded since my plane landed has been beyond what I had hoped for my entire time here. There have been so many answered prayers, times of tears and abundant laughter, and epiphany's of Word's spoken over me from years gone by. This seems to be a place where His Words of the present and Words of the past are meeting together to unfold my future, His plans for me now. I would have never have guessed it would happen in this way. But His ways are beyond our's, right?!

So, for a city draped in snow to the salty ocean breeze each day....Thank You Lord.

...for many an 'angel' along the days travels that have guided us to just the right spot, without us even being able to even speak turkish,
...for hours upon hours of sweet, sweet conversations in Dari with friends from my heart home in Afghanistan to those of it's neighbor,

Thank You Lord.

...for Words that You continue to speak even though I'm stubborn to listen many times,
...for a team here that has been caring and patient to understand my life's journey these past couple years or so,

Thank You Lord.

...for soft beds and warm showers and beautiful views that my healing body still needs,
...to veggies that are in abundance that don't make you sick,

Thank You Lord.

...for a little peace, a little joy, a little rest, a little love, and a little rest...in this place,
...and for many a friend, far away speaking into my life and even nearby to share it with.

THANK YOU LORD.

And although my heart still longs to return long term to Afghanistan at this point, it also knows He WILL bring goodness and good news to those my heart still grieves to be near to. For them, for us all...His Love endures.

So from a land that I never thought I would be considering moving to...Thank YOU for your support. To the nurses that have dreamed with me about 'returning' overseas to those that have prayed me to this very place...

Thank YOU. We never journey alone, He is with us, but you have been right there with Him.

5 days and some tears!

On Christmas Eve, I had a moment. Surrounded by family laughing, talking, and opening meaningful presents....I realized something very precious. That the few small gifts I had received were given to me so that I could carry them over-seas. It hit me: I was finally in a place and well enough where I was planning on returning once again to the part of the world I love!! And
with this realization I feel into a pile of (grateful) tears. My mind raced over the last several years, the treatments, the sickness, allll the scans and tests that began with fear and ended sometimes with tears or finally relief with another clear scan result. And the last part of this sentence was just repeated 3 times recently!

Thinking back on that time makes my heart ache and rejoice all in one. It's SO hard to grasp the differences between this Christmas and that of 2007. And all the intense trails and joy experienced interwoven between those years. Hmmm...sometimes pictures help.

then....Some words that come to mind; agony. kindness. love. pain. terrified. anxious. alone. surrounded. far away. disconnected. warmth. tenderness. sorrow. depletion. joy. elated. friendship. sisterhood. survivor. community.

now....
Here I am embarking on a new journey and near future in Turkey (how's that for faith speaking!). I will spend the next 4 weeks (end Jan through end Feb) getting to know my potential new team. To pray and see how this vision for Afghanistan and Turkey can be woven together by threads from Heaven as we chat and pray together. I am continuing to see how He has been preparing me for these steps ahead through my experiences and what I have learned thus far. So here’s to faith. Stepping out into what is not entirely known and trusting Him to set a course that will impact people lives forever in many ways in Turkey and Afghanistan. And most importantly, in ways that cause them to know deep in their hearts of their value, worth and His great love He has for them!
some of the beautiful mosques in Turkey

During my stay there, I will be asking all the questions that I initially asked when I first moved to Afghanistan. Getting a better understanding of what work might look like there. And most of all...hearing from God there. Hearing what He wants me to put my hand to with the limited number of years I have to live on this great blue spinning ball.

Thanks for walking with me. Hand in hand. I am grateful for your friendship in this journey in more ways than I can express.
ps. 5 DAYS TO GO!!!

4 weeks left

It is about 4 weeks from when I will begin traveling overseas...to live among the people of Central Asia once again. More than 10 or so hours will again separate me from you, your waking from my sleeping times. I have waited and prayed for this time. And as I begin to prepare to go; purchasing plane tickets, continuing to trust God for the remaining amount of my medical expenses for next year, etc...I have mixed emotions as always. ESTATIC...that I am again 'well enough' to be far out of my oncologists' reach and sad for the new community here in Chico that I will be leaving. In my last 12 years of living abroad, I have lived in MANY a community and have never (with the exception of one) felt as connected to a community as I do here in Chico.

Although this is the life I have chosen...or has chosen me.

As I head out to Turkey to meet up with a team of people waiting to meet me, I wonder what the next year...let alone several, have in store for me. The region seems to be a bit of a political mess, troops soaring in Afghanistan, constant wonderings if this cancer will return once again. So many uncertainties. So much to worry about.

But even with all these uncertain steps, both in my future and in the regions of that continent...I continue to be grateful for just another day. For the beautiful fall. As I met with another very young lymphoma survivor today, we both commented how much we love the fall,...and jumping in the leaves. Did you ever do that as a kid? I sure did. :)

Thus in the midst of great uncertainties in my life and in our world, which I'm sure will only grow over the years...I AM certain of some things that I have learned over these past several years. To live life slower. To laugh often. To remember to let God lead my heart daily. To listen for His voice always. To leave my bed unmade every so often :)...and to sleep more. To feel, not just process, life...whatever it holds.

And I'm sure in the future when I look back...even with all it's hardships, life will be beautiful...just like the last 2 years. :)

the 3 Day walk

sometimes pictures are just better than words. here's to the girls that walked by my side and those that helped me get there. you rock!



ps. ALL of my scans today were CLEAR!!!

the night before

it's the night before my scheduled scans; a mammogram and an ultrasound. normal scheduled test. they aren't looking for anything nor are they concerned. but here i am at 12:08am at night...thinking about tomorrow. i can't say that i'm worried or scared. but I do think back to almost 2 years ago when these same tests brought about a change of course in my life that never returned me to that previous life.

so now, i guess, i wonder about the course ahead of tomorrow. my afternoon could go as planned in my mind, or spin off in another direction once again. i suppose we never know that course...and are even less sure of it when faced with a life threatening disease or sudden death of a loved one. in an instant, life can change. it always can...for any one of us, at any time. but for some of us, that statement feels a bit more real.

so, here's practice in letting life sit on open hands,...not on ones clenched to things and plans that aren't really ours to begin with. that's not easy, and i think i'll spend the rest of my life (hopefully) practicing it....but it is how to live life with the most grace and joy when we are able to see less and less of the future.

so, i think i'll just go to bed... being thankful for a great past weekend where i walked 60 miles with 5 friends to raise money and awareness for a cure for breast cancer....and thankful for how far i've come in those 2 years since being diagnosed myself.

God has been so very good to me in these past years....and I'm sure that will continue now matter what the future holds.

A birthday and a future

It was on my birthday several years ago...i remember having a conversation with one of my housemates in the hallway of our house in Kabul. She was soon to turn 39, I was turning 35. How old that sounded to me then.

How young it sounds to me now. I have since celebrated 2 birthdays and have just turned 37. WHERE does the time go?? Even through years of sickness and cancer, the time STILL flies by!

Birthday's now have a whole new meaning to them. I GET to celebrate them...hopefully every year. So, never again will I complain about getting older. Or if I do you can slap me :)!! There are many I know that no longer get to celebrate more birthdays.

And as Lisa and I, and the rest of team tamana, head out in 2 days on Thursday to walk in the 3Day walk....even if I can't get through every mile and have to rest more than I anticipated b/c of my hip pain, that is one thing that I have to be grateful for...being alive to even be in that walk!

So, here to you...Lisa, Christina, Beth, and Courtney, and Bethany, Amy and Lisa, and Erica...and so many more I could list here!! May we all GET to walk into a future without cancer.

Then and Now

Then....after chemo, during radiation. (gotta love my gray hair...)

Fall is coming, the nights are cooler. Change is in the air as well as in emails that I'm writing. More emails traveling across the ocean to correspond with teammate and supervisors as I hope to push out of America early winter 2010. As I head into another fall in America...it is hard to contemplate all that has passed these several months let alone the last several years. As I begin to plan to leave; raising the additional 8,000 for medical deductibles/out of pocket expenses before insurance kicks in and talking more with people about the future...I also am ever reminded to hold it all with an open hand. Just as my life instantly changed when I left for Dubai, not even yet diagnosed with cancer, I know that the path of life in itself can have amazing twists and turns. So, I am learning to gently hold my plans and dreams knowing that only GOD knows the steps of my journey even though I try to prepare for every conceivable event.

Recently I had an MRI to check for spread of the cancer or a stress fracture. I'm sure you know which one I was voting for! After a week of waiting, an MRI (the easy part) and several more days of waiting...the results came back CLEAR for cancer. YAY! It was a HUGE relief as I seriously expected to hear those words again, as the pain in my hip had increased much over the last year. So, I was OH so happy to leave with a diagnosis of bursitis of my hip. And although it still hurts...I don't think I have ever been so happy with a swollen hip! HA! I will also soon be having a uterine biopsy to check for abnormalities and/or cancer (potentially caused by one of the meds to decrease my chance for a relapse with breast cancer). Because of my situation, I will be having this under general so that they will be able to do much more than if I was awake...which is FINE with me :). I have to admit I'm not looking forward to another procedure...and less to having to wait for the results. BUT...I have to say that I am most appreciative and grateful for the team of doctors that I have around me here. I CAN'T imagine being anywhere else. The doctors and health care team that surround me are what I would wish for for my dearest friend or family member in my situation.

SO....these days, besides trying to raise my support, you'll find me pounding the pavement to raise money for the 3 Day, 60 mile walk I and my sister are participating in. With every step, with every mile, with every hurting muscle...we are slowly healing, and I am being restored. Body, mind and spirit.

Now...what a difference a year makes.

Thank you my FANTASTIC L.A. people!

S O M E
OF THE
F A N T A S T I C
L. A. P E O P L E!!

I am back in Chico (northern Ca) and summer has officially arrived. Hot afternoons. Summer markets. Shaved ice. And summer tans! Since coming back from visiting many of you in the Los Angeles area...I have enjoyed an American summer from hot dogs and fireworks to summer tans and long walks in the park for the first time in about 10 years. It has been beautiful...all of it.

I am grateful for the new friends that I am meeting here in Chico...though I miss so many of you that I have long befriended in Los Angeles area. And though I wanted to stay longer, scans and developing relationships here beaconed me back. Your faces, that speckle this post, continue to run through my mind of my time there. Reminders of picnics and bible studies, church camp outs and girls night out. Deep conversations over the value of life, kids events and everyday life in Afghanistan that you have become acquainted with from afar. Pictures of your faces splash across my mind...and I am reminded that I am blessed to know so many people that are committed not only to each other, their community and church, but to those in Afghanistan that are waiting to experience peace and an education for the first time in their lives.

Thank you to each of you for reaching out to me over these past 10 years, and through me hundreds of people in so many countries,...you have been so faithful over the years.

I pray that God returns that to you in an unexpected way this year and the years to come. Much love and a HUGE hug to you!
((((((((((((((((((((((( YOU )))))))))))))))))))))) (your hug!)

Fabulous Journey...between scans

It is the day after. The day after I found out that my last MRI scan was clean for cancer. I continue to 'dance with NED (no evidence of disease)', as they say in the cancer world. It was a feeling I can't describe. Waiting, waiting, waiting to seemingly hear a result plan the rest of your life. You wonder, you think of every possible outcome and try to come up with a 'plan of action' so that you can somehow handle what might be told to you.

Then the day comes and you hear the voice. The surgeon calling... "scans looked fabulous". There is no evidence of cancer. You're clear for 6 more months. A huge relief...again. Then my mind turns, in the same thought, to those that I know that might not have 6 months to live. Such a dichotomy...this gift of life.

How can I describe this feeling; It's like I can inhale a bit deeper every time I receive these positive words. It's like what I used to feel like when I heard about a kidnapping in Afghanistan and then found out it wasn't one of my own team members...only to experience sadness for the team members that it did affect.

Celebrating what is today seems to remedy it all in my heart. Celebrating the gift that God has given me in today, for me...and for them. So, there were festivities that day. A day at the market, shaved ice, and a toast. The sky is still beautiful and there exists at least 4 shades of green these days on every street. Thus continues this fabulous journey we are on. I think I will take scans every 6 months...to experience life in High Definition :).


Lisa and I toasting to another F A B U L O U S scan!

The club

Last weekend, the end of May, I went to a retreat. Not an ordinary gathering of people...but an in-ordinary gathering of a group of 9 young women who have all been through breast cancer. Some had just turned 21 and others were in their young 30's. The specifics of the weekend are numerous but one of the things which stands out in my time with all of them is a deep understanding of one another. Just like when I am with other fellow over seas workers....being with people that have been through the trauma's of the last year a half... was a gift.

A gift beyond measure.



So, beyond some grand naps and re-revelations at the importance of rest IN my day as well as at the END of it....I made some friends that taught me a little bit more about this 'club' that I never wanted to join. The cancer club. And though I hope to NEVER walk back into treatment, there is a reality that my life has forever been changed by this experience; possibly having no children, always the chance of relapse, etc. Just knowing that these and others are out there that understand all of this and more...makes me feel a bit more sane, a bit more 'normal' in my own crazy world. :)

May God bring His healing and peace to each of their lives and give us a greater joy to shadow over any lingering grief. I can not imagine my life without the lessons and friends that have graced these past unexpected years.

Who would have EVER guessed?

High FIVE to life!

Last year she dragged me to the track lined with booths of sponsors and luminaries in honor or memory of those that have been taken by cancer. As we walked that survivor lap, she wept. I didn't understand her journey, though I wanted to walk next to her as she experienced even her darkest hour as she watched her twin through cancer treatment.

This year I dragged her. The event, Relay for Life. So at 10:15 am on April 25th, my sister, another friend who was my chemo singing buddy, and I walked around that track to 'high five' life itself. And to say to cancer...we're still here and still walking. So until a cure is found...we'll walk that track.

At the end of the event...I was the one weeping. Grieving for the lives that cancer has taken and those that are the throws of battling it now. Courtney, Bethany, Lisa, Jim, Sandy...and so many others. But to bring joy into my day today, God let my path cross with a teenager (an infant 14 years ago) that I took care of 14 years ago and his mom. Although all of his treatments have taken a toll on his little body, he is doing well now and fully enjoying life! He had less then a 5% chance of surviving...and is a walking example that research pays off and that God hears our many prayers.

High five to life!


Only those who will risk going too far can possible find out how far one can go. --T.S. Eliot

Behind each headline: Her face

Spending time with her family before I left for America for treatment. (she is not pictured)

She is the girl that I often write about. Her face reminds me of the word kindness. She is my closest Afghan friend and one whom I have thanked God for countless times over the last 7 years. She is one whom I have cried with, laughed with, and wept with as I left her side for an unknown future when I was diagnosed a year ago. She is also the one that often hopes for me about what kind of man I should marry...only wanting the best for her friend. She laughs when I say something wrong in her language and corrects me kindly just to make sure I say it right the next time. And she is the one that I share my hopes and dreams with...even though we share a different faith and celebrate different holidays. Through the years she has always been there and has been one of, if not the only, constant friend in my life since I arrived into Afghanistan.

So on the days when the western headlines of suicide bombings, kidnappings, and rumors of troop increases and war seem even too close for me...I remember that behind each headline is a face. Her face. On days like those, I am especially grateful for her. For she reminds me that despite all that seems to go wrong in her world...that there is still yet hope for her and her country. She is not a cause, nor a campaign,....she is my friend. And one that I love very much.

So in my prayers tonight, I remember her face and ask God for his best blessings and deepest presence to be showered on and felt by a girl who seems so very far away right now.